I answered two haunting emails

Never Done: I answered two haunting emails

I was sick all day. Headache, sore throat, aches, fever, cough, and generally exhausted. The last thing on my mind was doing something I'd never done before, because really all I wanted to do was sleep. Which I did, some. And I also worked. Mostly from bed. And I also went out for a short walk because it was SEVENTY FIVE DEGREES OUT and how could I not? But just to put one foot in front of the other tuckered me out, and I found that it was hard to take a deep breath, and so I just came back home and got back in bed.

I did obsess a little about Saturday (which is my first official Triathlon group training session -- a running clinic in Prospect Park, and then a gear clinic at Jackrabbit Sports.) The obsession was whether I would be able to run since I'm sick, and if I would look like a wuss if would go and not run, right after they had that guy talk to us about training for the triathlon while in chemo treatment. I expect I will go and not run and let my mature self deal with the fact that my sick self can't inhale right now.

But other than all that, I didn't even have the energy to watch TV today. So what did I do that I'd never done? I answered two emails from someone I used to be very, very close to. And to whom I am no longer very close. And yet the person asked me some very deep questions, and I felt I had some deep answers. Answers I haven't had the time or attention or patience to answer before today. Answers I was not sure I was going to give. Answers that I was not sure I wanted to give.

But then somehow, even though I didn't have the energy to write a job application letter today, or even to read the Sally Lockhart book that Taylor Mac lent me ... somehow I had the physical and emotional energy to answer these emails. Both emails asked my advice on how to make big life decisions. Both emails started out by saying that I was really good at making this kind of big life decisions. Both emails brought up big feelings, because the person writing was someone with whom my life used to be intertwined for what I thought was going to be forever. We were severed a long time ago -- in the Spring of 1998. Long enough ago that I do not think about it every day, but not so long ago that it doesn't still hold an important place in my narrative of destabilizing incidents. Long enough ago that I know it all turned out for the better, but not so long ago that I don't still wonder yeah, but what if it had been the way it was supposed to be? Not that I would want to go back to it. I wouldn't. But what if it had never been severed?

As I said, the emails started out by saying I was really good at making these big life decisions. Should I take a meaningful job -- all the way across the country? What about my home here? My community? How do I figure this out? And while it's true that I've jumped many times into these waters, and I've swum and I've swum and I've swum ... I'm not sure that makes me wise. Maybe just good at jumping and swimming.

And because I am good at jumping and swimming, I decided to jump in and write back to my old friend. Did I think the current friendship deserved this level of intimacy? Did I think I would rebuild the old connection? I didn't. But I thought I could help, and whenever I can, I do try to help. And so I wrote about the exact things I am trying to figure out myself right now. And I found I had opinions and insight and knowledge for someone else's life that I don't necessarily know how to apply to my own life. And somehow along the way, a dialogue started between us. More of a dialogue than there has been in 13 years. This week's mide (middah) is Humility: Seek wisdom from everyone. And so I'm wondering -- maybe there is something for me to learn right here, right in this dialogue, right in this place where I think I have nothing to learn. If there is, I don't know what it is. But if there is, I could use the help.