I submitted all the adoption paperwork

Never Done: I submitted all the adoption paperwork

This week's mide (middah) is Cleanliness: Let no stain or ugliness on our self/space. For the first part of the week I took it quite literally, making sure to shower even if I felt I didn't have the time, or if I was just home alone working, or if I didn't want to be cold when I got out. Also, I decided to clean up my attitude while doing house cleaning -- and it made a big difference for all concerned. But as the week progressed I started to think more metaphorically. In order to complete the adoption paperwork, I had to make a child care plan, which is to say I had to choose someone to be the child's parent if anything ever would happen to me or Josh.

It was quite easy to come up with a short list of people it felt OK to ask for something as significant as this -- proven parents, with space in their home, who would value keeping a young person connected to his/her cultural background. But upon reflection, I realized there was something else needed: we needed to have a clean relationship, and I needed to know that if we ever would get into a mess together, that we would all be equipped to clean it up. I am someone who rarely carries a grudge, and rarely even remembers the content of past conflict. I also don't have very many messy relationships, although I do have some, and most of them are with former lovers or former political colleagues. Not surprisingly, there are no former lovers on my short list, but there is one former political colleague, which in my mind speaks highly of that person and our friendship.

When I took my short list to Josh, he agreed 100% with my choices, which also speaks to the cleanliness of the relationships. And you know what else did? When I asked someone (actually, a couple) they answered in a most supportive, clear, uncomplicated, and yes, clean way. They said yes -- first that would like to be part of our planning in whatever way (if any) turns out to be most appropriate for everyone involved. And then they went on to make it clear that their saying yes was in no means a contract that would bind us forever, nor should we ever worry about hurting their feelings in our decision making.

This interaction let me understand that cleanliness is in the details of communication like this. It's like when you're cleaning the house -- if you do a really quick sweep, but you don't dust the house will stay clean for a day or two before the lingering dust will start to accumulate more dust. But if you take the time to dust the nooks and crannies and corners, then the house stays cleaner longer. Maybe this is a rushed and incomplete metaphor (I am writing while a friend is over and talking with Josh three feet from me) but please extrapolate in any way you think I want you to. Metaphors aside, what I am trying to say is that clean relationships are clean at all levels -- from the broad strokes to the small interactions, in the moment and over the years. And looking over my life, I am filled with pride and joy (actual pride and actual joy!) and gratitude that I have so many clean relationships and so few messy ones. Now, to start meditating on the messy ones, and what I did to create the mess, and what I might be able to do to clean them up.