I ran 6 miles

Never Done: I "ran" 6 miles

It was 93 degrees, and we ran the official New York Triathlon race course in Central Park. Except I walked some. Or maybe it was 91 degrees. And maybe I walked a lot. What's a lot? Basically, I walked up some of the hills, and I ran the flats and downhills, and it took me 80 minutes to do the 6 miles. Or maybe it was 6.2.

It was my first time running around Central Park. It's a lot hillier than I thought it was going to be, especially from 110th Street to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I got pretty nauseous, and also I had one of those gulping breathing episodes -- I guess they're called asthma attacks -- near the end.

All this made me think about accomplishment. It's possible that I am going to complete the entire triathlon, and because I will probably have to walk up the hills, I might not feel like it's an accomplishment. In fact it's not just possible -- it's likely, unless I do something with my attitude within the next 3 and a half weeks. In contrast my own value system, I've always been rather product oriented, and not terribly process oriented. So the fact that I have trained relentlessly since March doesn't much factor into my sense of accomplishment (again, I am not justifying this, just being honest about how my mind works) and instead I'm focused on my performance the day of the event. So how do I change my own sense of accomplishment? Intellectually I already value process in conjunction with product, so I'm not suffering from a lack of vision or framing, but rather probably a childhood filled with competition and comparison.

This pattern is so deep that I feel the need to apologize for walking the hills -- and to explain to any of my friends who might come out to watch the race that I would run if I could -- that I'm not lazy, just injured. What's more, I feel humiliated about it. Rather than feeling proud that I can swim a mile, bike 25, and run 4 and walk 2, I feel humiliated that I can't run 6.2. What the hell is that? Is there a month-long training program I can undertake to shift it? Because I would like to be as enthusiastic and proud as everyone else is likely to be on the afternoon of August 7, when I am sweaty and exhausted -- and have completed the New York Nautica Triathlon.

I made up a new mide (middah)

Never Done: I made up a new mide (middah)

If you've been following this blog for a long time, you know that the heart of the Mussar practice is to meditate, write, and reflect upon thirteen mides (middot) -- which are ethical principles -- that help us to live an ethical life. They are:

Humility: seek wisdom from everybody
Patience: Do not aggravate a situation with wasted grief
Equanimity: Rise above events that are inconsequential
Truth: Say nothing unless you are 100% sure it is true
Decisiveness: When you have made a decision, act without hesitation
Cleanliness: Let no stain or ugliness on our self/space
Order: All actions and possessions should have a set place and time
Righteousness: What is hateful to you do not do to others
Frugality: Be careful with your money
Diligence: Always find something to do
Silence: Reflect before speaking
Calmness: Words of the wise are stated gently
Separation: Respect in sexual and intimate relationships

My Mussar va'ad (group) has found that as comprehensive as these mides are, sometimes we yearn for something else to help guide us, so we decided that when we finished a complete cycle of the original thirteen, we would make some up before starting the next cycle. The group came up with great ideas:

Enthusiasm
Hope
Delight
Flexibility
Play
(Ethical thinking around) Attachment
Trust
Neediness

Yes, Neediness. That one was mine. Ew, right? Neediness sounds so unattractive and ... needy. Do we really want to pursue it as an ethical value? When I brought it up, a shudder went through the group, and people started coming up with other ways to frame it. Ways like Reliance and Interdependence. Which I thought were both wonderful ethical values in their own right, and also thoughtful reinterpretations of Neediness ... but they don't home right in on the thing that I'm going for: the value of having, knowing, and communicating one's needs.

I'm not real good at that. I have a tendency to take care of everyone else's needs before (or instead of) mine, and then feel bad when people don't take mine into consideration the way I wish they would. As I'm sure you can imagine (or maybe have experienced) that's not a great formula for interpersonal bliss. So instead of running from neediness, I am getting ready to embrace it -- hopefully in the literal, and not the cloying sense of the word. I expect it will be a fascinating and uncomfortable exploration.

But first, a week of ENTHUSIASM!!!!!!!!