Tuesday, October 9, 2012

It's sometimes hard to tell

It's not hard to do things for myself in a day, but it is sometimes hard to do things that bring joy.

Like, for example, I had another Jewish holiday off, and I finished unpacking the kitchen, and I finished unpacking my bedroom, and I took a walk with a friend and I made dozens of change-address calls, and I paid bills, and I even went to simkhas toyre in Grand Army Plaza with a bunch of Brooklyn synagogues all participating together, and the whole point of simkhas toyre is to be joyous. I was absolutely glad I was there, and I was glad I was there with my friends, and I even danced with the toyre for a little while, but I don't think I was actually there just for myself, and I think I have too much of a troubled relationship with religion to have it be an uncomplicated experience of pure, selfish joy.

So maybe part of this practice is going to be about peeling away complicated relationships, so I can  experience joy more easily. Maybe if I could calm down the voices in my head that question and critique, I'd become happier. Maybe a way to calm down questioning and critiquing voices in my head is to keep experiencing joy.

And maybe part of this practice will be exploring why I sometimes feel like it counts more as an experience that's all for myself if I am choosing it over something else I am obligated to do, or if it's up against what other people want to do.

And maybe another part of this practice, like was the case in the Never Done practice, will be noticing that I don't always have to go out and create an experience, but that I can discover that something I've happened upon is actually for my own pure, selfish enjoyment.

Like watching this Lego video of The Wire (which you should only watch if you don't mind learning things that happen in all five seasons) which Logan sent me when she found out I had finished the series, and which made me late to simkhas toyre, and which I thoroughly enjoyed watching.

1 comment:

  1. One thing a day just for pure, selfish enjoyment ... that doesn't mean it can't be shared, does it? Your goal isn't to become selfish, taking your joy at the expense of others. I'm pretty certain I'm right about that last statement. It wouldn't be like you to be on a quest to find joy at someone else's expense. I like that you are pulling the threads a bit to see exactly what it is that you are after here ... joy yes. Every day yes. Name it, claim it, feel it, experience it.