Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I'm not actually sure

It got to be 11 PM, and I wasn't actually sure if I had done anything selfishly joyful. I had prepped for and had a very good lawyer's meeting, and I had bought tickets for Fun Home at the Public Theater (in October) and I had had a very good editing/story session with Josh on Parting the Waters, and I had had an excellent visit from Brett, and I had eaten some dinner, and I had run out to the coop to pick up snacks for my date the next day (the day you are reading this) with Marcy, and I had gotten called home to meet James' completely wonderful sister for the first time, and I had had an excellent Mussar group, which my group kindly allowed me to join late, and I had watched an episode of bad TV that I am watching so I can write some good TV, and then it was 11 PM, and I wasn't actually sure if I had done anything selfishly joyful.

I think maybe the visit from Brett was, because I got him to come to me, and because we watched my short film and talked about it a lot. That was selfish. And joyful. I think buying tickets to see Fun Home was, because even though buying tickets is not in and of itself joyful, seeing great theater is.

Oh, did I say that out loud? This is what I am like at the end of the day when I am trying to assess if I Did It Right, which is to say that I Won My Day, which is to say See? I Am Good, which is all to say that obviously this is not the most fruitful way for me to prove my life, errr, I mean live my life, but it is the way my brain has been conditioned, and one of the reasons I am trying to just do one thing every day that I absolutely adore and is all for me. So that at the end of the day, I will have had such a great fucking time that I forgot to worry about if I was winning my day.

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